Welcome readers to another December
entry of The Magical Mystery Blog.
With Christmas only twelve days
away, Friday the 13th has fallen upon us once more. Friday the 13th
has some negative superstition about it, in which it is supposed to be a day of
bad luck. My fellow readers, I hope none of this bad luck doesn't carry into
the Christmas spirit, and possibly lie under your tree waiting for Christmas
morning. This bad luck often turns into an unfortunate experience of receiving
a terrible Christmas gift. Below are my
top twelve worse gifts to buy someone.
12. Garden Gnome
Yes, because nothing says Merry
Christmas like “I want to freak out my neighbors with this hideous garden gnome”
or “God this corny and it’s going on my lawn.”
11. Decapitated Teddy Lamp
 |
esquire.com
Remember that teddy bear you wanted for Christmas...? |
Most of us love teddy bears. They’re
cuddly, cute, and look fantastic when decapitated. That’s right, on the
Internet you can purchase a severed head teddy bear lamp. You know, for telling
others that you really don’t want to babysit their kids anymore. Or you know,
to give children nightmares.
10. The Gifts of Change
Ah change, the one thing that we
must do at some point or another to adapt to the surrounding world. But for
those who need a little push or don’t want to change any further, there are
those who will give them things to help remedy that. For example, if you’re
comfortable with your gorgeous body, someone might think otherwise, and might
give you exercise equipment or a diet book.
9. Jersey Shore Ornaments
 |
incrediblethings.com
And three losers in a pear tree..... |
So you want your tree to look like a
wannabe Italian that’s actually a douche. Look no further than eBay or just the
Internet in general. There you will find ornaments of Snooki (both in slutty
and Christmas clothes), Pauly D, and other lovable losers from the show, the Jersey Shore. Not only will the receiver
be able to use them once a year but when they do so, it’ll turn their Christmas
tree into a crap tree.
8. Grooming Gifts
Make up is fine to receive as a
present because you can find some way to match nail polish with your outfits.
But gifts like toothbrushes and hair trimmers are a big no no. These items are things we would buy for
ourselves because we are able to judge if we need them or not. If someone gives
us a hair trimmer it’s like them saying, ”Hey….I notice there’s hair coming out
of your ears…here’s something to fix that.” Insulting? Yes. This is just like
the gifts of change where the present tends to insult the receiver by telling
them, “Hey you need to fix this.”
7. A Caricature
Perhaps some of you know of a
talented artist who happens to do these comedic sketches. If not, then there
are artists out there on streets and boardwalks willing to do a caricature of
you. With every passing moment, they analyze and draw your most noticeable
features (ex.: if you have a large schnoze, it’s going to be drawn). This would
be a rather unwise gift to give because some people tend to be a bit self
conscious. When someone draws them in a new light, it may alert them. Do I
really have a large nose? Is my hair really that frizzy? Is my cat really about
to rip my cheeks off?
6. The Star Wars Christmas Special
If you know a geek or happen to be
one yourself, you’ve probably heard of or are madly in love with the movie
franchise Star Wars. Mostly
everything that’s Star Wars is utterly
glorious from the Battle on Endor to the light sabers. However its Christmas
special is far from beautiful. If you manage to somehow find a DVD of the Star Wars Christmas Special and give it
to someone, you really have no idea what you’re giving them. You’re bestowing
onto them a special where
wookies look at stimulated porn and other visual tortures. Do you really
want to give your geek that holiday Hell?
5. Knives
Giving a knife or even a set of
knives is considered to be bad luck to the gift receiver. In order to avoid the
bad luck, the receiver must give the giver a penny or there must be a penny
attached to the blades. But even so, sometimes the penny may fail and you are
doomed to suffer the wrath of bad luck.
4. A Used Gift
This is for the gifter who is too
lazy to go out and buy a present. Instead they wander over to their refrigerator,
poke their head instead for a beer, and see a half eaten cake. Huzzah, a gift
has been found! Why people would give anyone a used gift (like a half eaten
cake) is beyond me. These already used presents shouldn't be distributed at all
because not only do they make you look like a bad gifter but a procrastinator
as well.
3. Fruitcake
Ah yes, the food that no one eats
because it’s just so gosh darned awful. Giving this as a gift is basically
telling your receiver: I have nothing else to give you, so here, have this. The best thing they can do with it is put in
the freezer, wait until it hardens, and possibly kill you or someone with it.
Or use the hardened dessert to break in an entry.
2. Something They Already Have
It’s always good to check with your
giftee if they have the thing you’re about to buy them. If you don’t, it will
result in one of the most awkward moments you will ever encounter. But be
subtle when asking them, don’t just come flat out with the gift you wish to
give them. Be clever, use less words, and take note of what your receiver has.
1. Nothing
 |
everydayminimalist.com
Seems like people are buying a whole lotta Nothin.. |
In the world there is a product you
can buy called ‘Nothing’. ‘Nothing’ is a
literal bubble of air that can shows that you really don’t care to go out and
look for something for your particular giftee. Instead you just buy them one of
these to not only show that they can care less about you but that there’s
nothing you can do with this gift.
What’s the worst Christmas gift you’ve
ever received? Feel free to tell us in the comments section below and as
always, feedback and followers are welcomed.
